Guys, I have a problem. I have an addiction to the Internet. And do you know what’s been going on since July 10th? I have been living without a home Internet connection. That’s right. New London flat and a TWO WEEK wait for Internet connectivity. (VIRGIN MEDIA, you slay me.) I die a little more every day. I wither. I crumple. I am nothing. I know nothing. I am lost. (Literally, lost. We are no longer in the A to Z world. If you don’t have a hard-copy A to Z and you don’t have an Internet connection…you are lost. You will always be lost.)
So I do everything on my new UK mobile phone. I have used 5.5 GB of data on my phone already. 5.5 GB! In two weeks. I blame The Twitter. And because I am still in that weird in-between phase of needing to use both a US phone and a UK phone, I have racked up over $600 USD in phone charges on my US mobile — and that’s WITH all the fancy international add ons to help alleviate the costs and my constant repetition of “Can we make this quick? Do you use Skype?” to anyone who calls.
I am disconnected, and I am cash-poor.
So restaurants with wifi are my very best of friends. Here are some of the best places I’ve eaten at lately, roughly in order of deliciousness, with a special shout out to the wifi, where it exists. London restaurants everywhere, heed my call. You all need wifi. Think of your international guests! And, well, think about me, alone, lost and without an Internet connection…
Hix Smithfield, Smithfield/Farringdon. 36-37 Greenhill’s Rents, Cowcross Street, EC1M 6BN: Sunday lunch last weekend — a sirloin roast — was so good, I was back again this past weekend. Cheerful staff and a JAZZ BAND. I don’t know why no one is here — Farringdon on a Sunday, I suppose — but this is really absolutely fantastic. I nearly wept over my tomatoes on toast . I honestly almost don’t want the world to know about Sunday Lunch at Hix Smithfield because maybe I can have the jazz band all to myself. Wifi: FREE. The Verdict: GO. Particularly on Sundays. But shhhhhh.
The Palomar, Chinatown/Soho 34 Rupert Street, W1D 6DN: I thought for sure I would never get in here because it’s so super hot (as in cooler than cool) but I snagged a seat at the bar for a Monday lunch and instantly fell in love with all the men behind the counter, including the elder statesmen of the group, Papi. My Polpo a la Papi was zingy and made me want to buy all the octopus and all the chickpeas in the hopes of replicating this at home. (Not a joke!) And the pork belly and couscous! Fantastic. Even the bread — puffy, dotted with sesame seeds — was good! (And I just opted for the house bread, not the Yemeni pot bread.) The only downside? The Paloma was HOT. (As in sweaty hot. I was dripping.) Wifi: To heck with the wfii. Connect with the chef with the crystal blue eyes instead. The Verdict: Go! But go for lunch when you have a better chance of getting a table or a seat at the bar, where you can stare into the eyes of the chefs forever.
Moti Mahal, Covent Garden, 45 Great Queen Street, WC2B 5AA: My friend Barry McCaughley is amazing. He proves that if you really want to do something in life, YOU CAN DO IT. He decided a number of years ago to leave the corporate world behind and start his own wine business and get into restaurants and not surprising to those of us who know him, he did it. He totally did it and he is now amazingly successful at it, while the rest of us are still working for the man. He invited me over to Moti Mahal to check out some of the things they are doing with champagne — Gosset champagne in particular — and we had a lovely evening in their cool (as in cold) basement, out of London’s heat. I absolutely loved our starter of stuffed courgette flower with masala shrimp and tomato jaggery chutney. Also excellent, the red mullet baked with masala crab meat in banana leaf. I also liked the downstairs room with our own dedicated bar — great for a corporate hire. (Sorry, I keep track of these things.) Absolutely fantastic to catch up with Jeanne too. Wifi: Who needs wifi when you have Gosset Grande Reserve? The Verdict: Go. (I did not pay for this meal or all the Gosset Grande Reserve I drank. Also, I am not sorry.)
Green Man & The French Horn, Covent Garden, 54 St Martin’s Ln, London WC2N 4EA: While I have the leisure of unemployment, lunch is my main meal of the day, not dinner. And lunch specials are EXCELLENT values. My two courses at Green Man & The French Horn (thank you to new Internet friend Fran for the recommendation) were French and lush and well, I cleared my plates and so will you. A super generous portion of beautifully porky pork rillettes and tiny crisp and copious gherkins to start, followed by a fried egg with mushrooms and broadbeans as my main. I left very happy, even though they told me I couldn’t sit where I wanted to sit and even though they totally ignored me there for a while. Wifi: No. The Verdict: Go for the lunch special! Or if you like French food! Or if you’re close by!
Coya, Mayfair, 118 Piccadilly, Mayfair, London W1J 7NW: I had another leisurely lunch of unemployment at this trendy Peruvian on a sultry Monday afternoon and I loved it. My server was sweet and attentive, the food — the ceviche in particular — was sharp and bright, and the vibe was so very very bossanova chill. I went back with friends on a Saturday night and hated the experience, even though I still loved the food. We spent 95 quid per person — table of five — and our server just did not seem very happy with us. She was pushy, aggressive and visibly disappointed in our ordering. I don’t know who these other guests at Coya are, but if I am going to spend 200 quid on dinner, there better be some Michelin stars and a lot less shouting of “Are you sure you don’t want anything else??” involved. That being said…Wifi: FREE WIFI!!! The Verdict: Go, but not on a Friday or Saturday night.
I’ve got more! Stay tuned! Come visit me again. Unemployment is the gift of the burden of time. It is time to say hello to old friends and new, time to eat and drink — which I really shouldn’t be doing after four years in America — and time to watch many episodes of Couples Come Dine With Me (WHEN will this show exist in the US??) But I will stop writing for now. Because you know…I don’t have any Internet at home and the people at this bar are starting to look at me funny.